I once had a father, but
in his surname only,
He had a daughter, whom he
truly despised.
He chastised my eleven-year
old exam failure,
With his angry words he
ostracized my world.
Thereafter I lived in fear
of daily admonishments,
Not always spoken, but
glanced in resentment.
I can still feel that
hatred for me, at low times,
Eyes pierced my presence
in a loathsome way.
He destroyed my childhood
with his cold manner,
Not one single photographic
memory together.
Holidays and hobbies were
for everyone else,
Not a single day spent in
a happy family grouping.
I can still see your fingers
tapping a cigarette box,
You were a master of
armchair politics and rights.
Strangers knew a different
you, with your kindness,
It hurt all the more to
know you mellowed outside.
Without your earthly being,
I have now flourished,
Restoration of self-belief
enabled self- fulfilment.
There is sadness and a
vacuum in being unloved,
But a daughter’s courage
writes these words today.
©Copyright Eileen T O’Neill 17/06/2015
Poets United Mid-Week Motif: Fathers….
What a courageous poem this is indeed, Eileen. And, yes, despite of your childhood unhappiness with this father (in surname only) you HAVE flourished. But I am sure that you still bear the marks of his 'tap, tap, tapping.'
ReplyDeleteThe poem brought tears to my eyes. I can feel your emotions running through these lines.. agreed with Mary.. you have outdone yourself and have flourished beyond words. Wish you loads of happiness in life.
ReplyDeleteLots of love,
Sanaa
Oh. Ouch. This story had to be told with all the courage it took to voice it. I'm grateful that you gave it a positive ending, but feel the power in each image: how angry words can ostracize and plant doubt in an entire world, how piercing eyes and cold manner are the photographs in memory, the tapping, cigarette box, armchair politics, and another mask entirely for the outside world. Amazing portrait! This is one of your most powerful poems. It also explains to me the infinite power of loving you often portray.
ReplyDeletethat is a very hard childhood Eileen and it's no easy task to restore that self-belief...you have really done a splendid job... this poem is as courageous as inspiring...
ReplyDeleteGoodness, this is heart-breaking and important to voice. It's truly a beautiful and emotive poem. ♥
ReplyDeleteThis is so painful but I'm glad you have learned to see this with a new perspective. Powerful poem.
ReplyDelete"A daughter's courage writes these words today." Bless you, Eileen. Sometimes it must be harder to have an unloving father than no father at all. His lack and his loss. He was able to do no better, likely due to his own childhood. The wonderful thing is that you found a good man and created a different loving family for yourself. Triumph indeed.
ReplyDeletePowerfully written and through a veil of pain, courageously done, my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. That is a deep hurt. You have expressed it well without bitterness, a witness to "But a daughter’s courage writes these words today" and flourishes.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is a tribute to your growth and loving perspective. God bless you for writing these words today - it will reach out to those who don't yet know how to frame their similar experience X
ReplyDeleteThis is a place of sadness and courage. Often, I think that the most courageous people are the ones whose scars run deep
ReplyDeleteIt must have been a big let-down. It really hurt for a daughter is more aligned naturally to a Dad. But on the good side it knocked wonders to oneself to overcome and be better!
ReplyDeleteHank
It is very hard for those with loving parents to understand how a parent should not embrace his own child. How important it is for you to show that despite this hurtful, humiliating past you have been able to put that behind and become yourself.
ReplyDeleteBoth the opening line and end line made my heart leap..of course experiences differ but i felt this..truly...i admire your courage..your writing.. - you
ReplyDeleteI agree with Old Egg, I really don't understand how this is considered parenting. Good for you to express the pain you felt.
ReplyDeleteFirst, thank you for your honesty. Dealing with the truth, and admitting what happened, is a big step in recovery, Eileen..
ReplyDeleteI don't understand how parents can be so irresponsible, inadequate and abusive. I am glad you wrote this piece.... hugzz
I love the honesty, restraint and courage in this writing.
ReplyDeleteWe share a great deal, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThere is pain but also catharsis in this poem, Eileen. But beyond that, there is a great big "why?" - The horrific way that a father can treat his children is a great puzzle, especially as you write he was a different person with other people. I am glad you have overcome the hurt and reconstructed your life, despite the trauma...
ReplyDeleteMissing my dad whom I lost 10 years back !
ReplyDeleteAwesome
Very nice post .
Do visit my blog
http://www.shilpachandrasekheran.blogspot.ae/?m=1